Its been 3 months since I've last posted. What started out as a two week break turned into a three-month period where I felt increasingly private and withdrawn from most people in my life. I talked to two of my friends about this and they both confirmed that they felt "like they wanted to stay inside all day" when pregnant. In addition to wanting to stay inside my house all day, I've overall wanted to stay inside MYSELF for the past three months.

I haven't posted since we found a new job and moved to the Raleigh-Durham area of North Carolina. It has been a season of new transitions and new opportunities for faith. At the same time, it has been a time of uncertainty where I have felt all the old insecurities and difficulties of transition creeping in.

I forgot how hard it was to leave friends. My two closest and newest friends in Chicago both cried when I left. I felt numb and pregnant, and well, like I wanted to run away from everything for a while.

So here I am, in this new town, and I don't know anybody here (well, I know two people from college I will hopefully get to see sometime!). In some ways, I have this massive sense of relief when I know that I only have to focus on waking up, feeding Zoe, entertaining Zoe, and putting her to sleep (and eating lots of oreos because Kaiden wants them ;).  I know that my penchant for solitude is not "healthy-Briana" long-term.

Have you ever seen how pregnant animals act though? They do strange things. I remember distinctly watching my dog Sandy act crazy and weird during her pregnancy. At one point, she dug a huge hole in the side of the house and crawled in there for a few days. This is when she was about to have the puppies. I remember how she didn't really want us around as much. I'll never forget watching those wriggly little bundles arrive in a box. I don't think she really wanted us there, and even afterwards, she dragged each little puppy into the hole to be with her, alone.
I told Chris that I feel like a pregnant dog. I am just like that. I don't know if it is hormonal craziness or what, but I have retreated for months into a little hermit hole deep inside of my heart. Sometimes, I also think of myself as a monkey mother, just wanting to hang out in the jungle with my little baby monkey clinging to my chest, jumping high away from everything.

I've found that the vulnerability of a woman really comes to fruition in mothering. You go from this recently independent, go-getter woman to this dependent, emotionally and physically vulnerable person that has the responsibility of caring for tiny little bundles of helplessness. There is nothing that makes me feel more like my life is not under my control than being a mommy. I was reminded by a newly-pregnant friend recently how difficult it can be, from the very beginning, to have all your plans changed, and a new plan set into place, simply because a tiny seed is growing in your belly with God's hand wrapped gently around it.

You are not in charge.
God has whispered to me throughout my own journey of mommyhood. Let me open up your life. He says to me, even as I try to jam my life-box shut into a neat and orderly packed box--the way I want it to be.

And it is never going to be the way you want it to be. Because the way I want it to be is crazy and jam-packed with anxiety and all of my insecurities that I am not enough, that I am not doing enough, that I am missing out on something, something, because I am shoveling sand at the playground and making PB&J instead of building and creating my adult life.

So here's to the little someone that dumped my box upside-down, soon to be joined by a much anticipated second--dearest Kaiden.

Zoe is dying to meet you, and so are Chris and I.
"Oh, baby!!" Zoe says when she pats my belly.