Letters to Zoe

       Today I went to my first physical therapist appointment. When I think of physical therapy I usually imagine athletes with serious injuries, limping alongside a ballet-pole. I had no idea that physical therapy could apply to pregnant women.
        This all came about because of my husbands admonitions that I have "weak pelvic floor muscles" when he was observing a Physical Therapist in order to fulfill his requirements for applying to graduate school. Thanks, Chris.
        But really, after admitting to the Physical therapist that I have some back pain and that I now have NO control over my disobedient bladder, I did feel better about myself. She helped me to identify spots in my lower back where I now feel a dull, aching pain, and she even taught me some breathing techniques for labor.  She  also told me that I have a tendency to stick out my belly and curve my back instead of using my pelvic floor muscles. So now, here I am, practicing some exercises to increase the strength of those vaguely elusive abdominal/pelvic muscles. Whenever I am walking, I feel like I look somewhat uncomfortable because I'm trying to engage those muscles--engage and release, without forgetting to breathe at the same time. I'm already waddling like a duck and feeling like a beached whale. Maybe physical therapy can help me regain some self-respect?

I've  been thinking a lot about worry and fear. I spend a lot of time worrying about our future because we are so young and we don't have established careers and we're back to living at home. I've been trying lately to center myself, to know when to let go--but it takes practice to do this. In Kathleen Norris' book 'Amazing Grace', she talks about "detachment" a word that early monks used to mean  "not allowing either worldly values or self-centeredness to distract us from what is most essential." She goes on to talk about Dorotheus of Gaza, who described this as "being free from [wanting] certain things to happen".  Wouldn't it be awesome to be free from the concerns and fears we have and to truly live in the moment?
Of course, detachment can appear impossible in day-to-day existence of needs and uncertainties. Here I am, clothed, fed and given everything I need, and I still struggle with anxiety over the future.
I hope Zoe is able to enter a peaceful world where I'm not so concerned over daily concerns that I can't live in the moment with her.